“The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you.” – Anthony Robbins.
The credit for some of the material in this article goes to Anthony Robbins, my mentor.
The greatest error of all is in thinking
that the only way for you to feel good in certain situations is for someone
else to behave in a certain way. “You
must behave the way I want you to, so I can feel good, or I’m going to feel bad
and stand around and make you feel bad too.”
But remember, it’s your rules that are upsetting you and
not someone’s behavior. You expect
that your rules be followed. Never
assume when it comes to rules, communicate. Don’t expect people to live by your
rules if you don’t clearly communicate what they are. Design your rules so that you have control.
Don’t give the power to anyone else.
Step 1:
Could the upset be due to the way you are
perceiving the situation?
‘Some people complain because God put
thorns in roses,
while others praise Him for putting roses
among thorns.’
We use Reframing in NLP to see things
differently. You choose to see the
bright side of things to keep you empowered.
Consider the following situations that got
sorted out by reframing:
- A sister was resentful that her brother kept a very close tab
on her and infringed on her privacy; till she realized that it was only
because he cared so much.
- A lady was terribly irked by how messy the house was when her
kids were around; till she experienced the loneliness of having a neat
house, when her kids were away on a camp.
Now, a messy house is rather reassuring.
- A man was worried that his wife would get too independent if
she took up a job; till he found her happier and more expressive, not to
mention the additional income in the house.
Step 2:
So, just like reframing, why don’t we do
some Rephrasing.
Just because we’re focusing on upsets
doesn’t mean you think of all your minor discomforts as major upsets. How about taking away some of the power from
your upsets. Let’s lower the intensity
of some of the common emotions we do not like to feel and do a ‘total pattern
interrupt’ on them. A-Z let’s transform the
meaning of our emotions. Let’s
‘under’stand them.
Emotion - Understand as
Anger - Disenchanted
Afraid - Uncomfortable/Tense/Wary
Anxious - Concerned
Confused - Curious
Depressed - Not on top of it/Calm before Action
Defeated - Set back
Dread - Challenge
Embarrassed - Stimulated/Learning
Exhausted - Recharging
Failure - Learning
Frustrated - Challenged
Furious - Passionate
Humiliated - Uncomfortable
Hurt - Bothered
Impatient - Anticipating
Insecure - Doubting
Irritated - Ruffled
Jealous - Over-loving
Lonely - Available/On my own
Lost - Searching
Nervous - Energized
Overloaded - Stretching
Overwhelmed - Some imbalance/Challenged/In demand
Rejected - Overlooked
Sad - Thoughtful/Pensive
Scared - Excited
Stressed - Busy
‘What You Say, Holds True’ elaborates further on how much power your words can have on you;
how the expressions you use affect your body and emotions.
Make a list of some emotions that you often try and combat or the ones that bring you down and find out what they really mean to you. Can you ‘under’stand them now?
Careful, rephrasing your upsets can be
addicting.
Step 3:
Don’t let your upsets make you
dysfunctional. These bad feelings are
only signals for you to take action. So don’t brush
your upsets aside, rather side step them and take a good look from the outside
at what you need to change. Are you reacting
to the situation or are you responding in an intelligent manner? What is the message your emotion is giving
you and what action are you going to take about it?
Make a list of the bad feelings you would like to look into. Then work out the message it is trying to give you. Now write down the action you need to take. Plan it and act upon it.
You will be sent step 4 (PartIII) next week. Use this week to work on which emotion/emotions you need to do away with and act out your plans. If you need any help or clarification, just
Step 4:
Here are some NLP techniques that will get
you past the disempowering stage and put you into a more resourceful
state. With this new feeling you
spontaneously begin to think of other things you could say or do that might be
more useful. A new feeling is often a
powerful way to unlock your creativity.
When there is no upset, you are more effective and tend to deal with the
situation much better.
1. Another way of taking the power away from upsets is by disassociating from the mental picture/memory of the situation.
Take a deep breath and close your eyes and think of the situation that is upsetting you. Step out of the scene and watch it happening to you as though you are watching a movie. See how you look, what are you doing, how are the others looking, what is everyone saying, examine your feelings about the situation in general and towards all the people involved, as honestly as you can. Now replay the whole scene in black and white and cut off the sound. Make the picture start moving further away from you. Make it very dim and hazy as you watch it go further and further away. Now bring it rushing up to you, enlarging, hitting you in the face and bouncing off into oblivion. This has to be real quick.
Check to see if the situation still upsets you as much.
2. Choose a time and place where you would not be disturbed. Unhook the phone. Sit in a comfortable chair or on the ground with your legs folded and back straight. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Imagine a relaxation spread over your whole body and relax.
Identify three experiences when you felt extremely loved. Lift your left hand
(arm folded at the elbow) so your palm faces your face. With your eyes shut,
imagine seeing, in the palm of your hand, how upset you still feel or felt
about the situation. Now stretch out your arm and blow into the palm of your
hand to make the imaginary picture fly away. Put your hand down into your lap
and imagine the picture flying far far away till it becomes just a speck in the
sky. Make it completely disappear. (This is Important). Send it behind a cloud
or see it blow up, imagine whatever works for you to make it COMPLETELY
disappear.
Now lift your right hand for the palm to face your face. (Arm folded at the
elbow). In the palm of your right hand imagine the three loving experiences you
identified earlier, one by one. Feel the energy mounting into you with each
experience you recall. Now bring the palm of your hand to your chest and
imagine that energy filling every cell, molecule and pore of your body, as
though you are completely soaked in that feeling. Take a deep breath and open
your eyes.
Please read the above mentioned exercise till you are very clear what you have to do. Do it just once but without any breaks.
3. And if you are upset with YOURSELF (that shouldn’t be very difficult to forgive) then here is what you need to do:
Sit where you won’t be disturbed.
Close your eyes and recall the unpleasant feeling/incident. While you are re-experiencing it, anchor the feeling by holding your right knee for about 10 seconds with your right hand. Release the anchor by leaving the knee.
Think of a resource or quality you now possess that could have helped you handle that situation better. A resource that would have enabled you to have had wholly different experience back then. When you can experience that you truly possess that resource, anchor it by holding your left knee for about 10 seconds with your left hand. Release the anchor by leaving the knee.
Fire the feeling anchor by holding the right knee once more and go back to the experience. Fire the resource anchor by holding the left knee and take this resource with you and see yourself respond in a whole new way to the old incident. Hold on to both your anchors and relive the incident in a whole new way. Change whatever you want about yourself back then and see the others around you responding differently to you and your new resourceful self. If you need to apologize or explain, then this is your chance and see the response you get. Release the feeling anchor of your right knee and end your new experience with a satisfactory feeling while still holding on to your resource anchor on your left knee. After you have completed the experience, release your resource anchor and open your eyes.
I would like to end with this prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to
know the difference.”
