Parents and caregivers worry about what to tell the children after a parent or someone close dies, and often try to protect children from the pain of grief. It is a difficult and confusing time as you are also in your own process of grief.
Whether children are asking direct questions of you or not, they are asking questions of themselves and trying to understand. Without the aid of you and other adults, it is common for misunderstandings and imagining circumstances worse than reality.
It is not uncommon under the veil of silence for children to blame themselves for a death or to imagine that they will soon too die. It is also not uncommon for children to start acting out if their grief is not acknowledged or allowed a voice or outlet.
As you can see there is a very real risk in trying to protect children.
But what information do we share with them and what are their needs in a time of grief?
I have listed some information for you to consider when caring for and meeting the needs of children who are grieving:
· Children grieve too. They need for those around them to acknowledge their loss directly with them.
· Children need to have support from adults. A child can learn a lot from the grief modelled by a parent
or other adults. They learn its ok to be angry (expressed in safe ways), it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to cry.
· Children need to be included in the grieving process of those around them. To be included in the funeral.
To be included in discussions.
· An opportunity and help to understand. It is an adult’s job to start the conversation. The child will engage
and ask questions over time. But adults need to provide repeated opportunities to build understanding.
Use clear and concrete language, be open and honest. It’s also important to check their understanding, as
words taken literally can create confusion.
· Children need to know the death was not their fault. That the parent will always love them and miss them.
That there is nothing that they could have done to prevent the death. That they are still wanted.
· To openly talk about the parent or person who has died. A continuing bond is created by talking and
recounting special memories. By not talking about them from fear that it will cause more pain is flawed
thinking. Not talking openly sends the message that it’s not ok. The child will then want to protect other
adults by not bringing the dead parent or person up when they need to.
· Have the expectation that the child should and will be affected by the death of a Parent or loved one. Grief
is often shown in behaviour such as acting out, being aggressive, attention seeking, being loud or
hyperactive. Being shy, withdrawn, clingy or not joining in activities. This is normal. Have an expectation
that children may act differently and hold this experience for them.
· Routines can be comforting. Organised activities can also help to calm and distract children, and have
time off from grieving.
Death is a normal part of the cycle of life. How a child is held through the experience of a death of a Parent or loved one will impact future losses.
If you would like to discuss your grieving process or that of a child, then consider making an appointment with a counsellor who specialises in grief and bereavement work. Make an appointment with Bronwyn at Your Path Counselling, by phoning 021 127 7738 or send an email to [email protected]. My counselling rooms are in Remuera, Auckland, skype appointments are also available if necessary. For further details you can also log onto www.yourpath.co.nz.
References
Good Grief Ltd (2008) Picking up the Pieces. A Guide to Supporting Children in Grief. Good Grief Australia.
Kubler-Ross, E and Kessler, D. (2005) On Grief and Grieving. Simon and Schuster, London.
Tonkin, L. (2003) Now What? A Guide for People Living with the Death of Someone Close. John Rhind Funeral Directors, Christchurch NZ.
