In my practice I see couple after couple who got so busy with everyday life; the demands of kids, work, house etc that they have lost touch with themselves, each other and the relationship. This often happens without anyone realising and leads to him or her simply one day discovering a lack of connection with his or her partner, and often a notion that the relationship ‘is over’ takes shape.
Furthermore when a person is tired / stressed / burned out / exhausted / depressed he simply cannot be his/her best self and thus also not be his/her best self in the relationship. When both are in this predicament we end up with a relationship where each partner is often barely coping, and neither one is able to be a constructive force in the relationship. A downward negative spiral fuelled by blame, criticism, anger, misunderstanding, frustration, distance and lack of support takes effect.
I have often thought about the enormous value of teaching, and so preparing, our kids from when young, through programs throughout school, for relationships. Somehow we are expected to just know how to have and foster healthy relationships! In my own life, and through my counselling work, have I realised that we mostly don’t simply have an inherent sense of how we are supposed to be a good partner and how to live ‘well’ together. Everybody at some point in time face challenges in their relationship. (And if our examples growing up had been less than favourable, then even more so.)
This education should include the information that often we may differ, but that difference is often good, as individuals and as male and female, how to handle this, the issue of tolerance and healthy communication, and all specifically pertaining to forming and maintaining constructive relationships.
Instead of ‘Cinderella fairytales’ we must educate our children on rather what it takes for a couple to live together successfully. Getting the message across that a relationship is like a flower that needs continuous care and attention and if you don’t water and care for it, it withers away (even after years of being together). Thus, education emphasising the work and attention we need to put into our healthy relationships is needed and that a good relationship doesn’t just magically appear with a ‘happy ever after’ label if the partners are ‘right’ for each other - even with the best union ongoing care is essential for a good connection.
So those of you who currently find yourself in a dry flowerbed in your relationship, take heart, it usually doesn’t mean it is all over. There are skills to learn, strategies to apply and plans to make. Let’s start watering by nurturing and caring. (Again remember that most couples feel like this at some point and you are thus certainly not alone). And yes, caring and nurturing even if you feel ‘done in’, or rather to be the one who ‘deserves’ the caring and nurturing.
Remember what a great feeling it is to be in a happy and intimate relationship. You can have that contentment again!
A few changes can make a huge difference. Here are some specific ideas:
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